there’s this funny human thing where we think: “now what?” lately i have been feeling such joy. sometimes, tired and happy. sometimes, just plain happy. i tried to go for a mushroom walk this afternoon, but i couldn’t focus on scanning the ground because i kept getting overwhelmed by the beauty. i feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to live here, to be living the life that i am. continuously, as i walk and wander, i feel elation at how unbelievably beautyfull it is here. i get to start the day however i want, sometimes yoga, but now with the time change and decreasing daylight hours i tend to save it for the evening after twilight sets in. then i build something. i l o v e building things. mmmm hmmmm. especially things i can complete in one day! i finished the covered area over the bus door, which makes SUCH a difference. i now have a place to store shoes, and hang coats, but particularly for guests! when people come over, it gets so crowded with stuff in the entry steps, especially when it’s raining and all the drippy clothes have to hang there. mudrooms are so useful! then i built a firewood holder to stick under it to have ready access to a large stash of firewood, so i don’t have to walk to the woodpile on the rainy (or snowy?) days. then i built a raised floor for the shower, and a shelf with extra hooks under it. the raised floor is mainly because the ground is bumpy and slanty in the shower and it didn’t feel good standing on such uneven ground for too long. the shelf is both for the surface and for the hook area. it is between the two large trees that are two of the three supports for the shower room, and form a space that is set back out of the spray of the water. i am now hanging the candle lantern from it for night showers, and it’s the perfect spot for towels and clothes to hang.

so, i am getting to do what i want every day, am feeling productive, am doing physical work, am using my brain to figure out how to make things i have never made before, yesterday i even went to art day and painted – which i thought i wasn’t going to do for quite awhile as i thought all of my time would go into building – it felt really good to paint again, i am happy. and yet. this thought comes in that speculates – what is the reason for it all? what next? it isn’t a constant thought, it just pops in now and then, when i leave the moment (ah ha, maybe that is part of the answer?). most of the time i am busy thinking about everything else i wrote about above. isn’t happiness and health enough? what more can one ask for? intellectually i know it is enough, but there is that something that comes from somewhere else. that thought that arises unbidden.